THE YOGA OF GRIEF

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Outside each of the Guest's rooms at ABODE, you’ll find a poem:

 

"When You Meet Someone in Grief"

By Patricia McKernon Runkle

 

Slip off your needs

and set them by the door.

Enter barefoot

This darkened chapel

Hollowed by loss

Hallowed by sorrow

It's gray stone walls

and floor.

You, congregation

of one

are here to listen

not to sing.

Kneel in the back pew.

Make no sound,

Let the candles

Speak.

 

In its few, but powerful words, this poem can be considered a cornerstone in helping to guide your service as an ABODE Doula and in explaining how contemplative care is practiced, whether it be for those who are dying or grieving. We hope you find, as we do, that there is a lot of wisdom that is interchangeable in serving the dying as well as those who are grieving.

 

What is Grief?

Grief has been described as “the price one pays for the ability to love.” Grief consists of many layers. It is embedded in each of our losses, and is in the life changes that we experience. It has no definitive end, but rather permeates our lives and becomes a part of who we are. Ultimately, it offers us the possibilities of growth and acceptance. As is death, grief is a natural and normal part of life.

 

Being an ABODE Doula and providing end-of-life care, you will encounter grief in many forms and begin to understand that the support you offer is built on the same contemplative foundation.

 

The Effects of Grief

Of course, with grief and loss come challenges. Most of us truly understand what grief is. What we may forget (or may not have yet experienced) is just how painful and debilitating it can be.

 

• It can be the worst moment of some people's lives.

• It can make you think you're going crazy.

• It can convince you that there's no end to the pain, and that you're never going to be happy again

 

Grief Specialist David Kessler says that when his son died, he thought, “Oh my God! I wanted to go back to everyone that I had ever counseled who was in grief and tell them that I'm so sorry. I had no idea just how devastating this is!”

 

Grief is Change

Change is part of life, just as much as the seasons: Summer and Winter; our life's span of growth since birth; day and night. With change, comes loss. And, with loss, comes the normal, human reaction: grief.

 

Joan Didion expressed it very succinctly: "Life changes fast. Life changes in the instant. You sit down to dinner, and life as you know it ends."

 

Each change we experience in our lives can translate into feelings of grief. And not only grief over the death of someone. It can be over MANY of life's changes as well, such as:

 

• Divorce/relationships ending

• Kids growing up and moving out

• Job or position changes

• Moving to a new living location

• Major health changes

• Natural disasters

• The end of addictions

• Retirement

• Financial changes

• Death of a pet

 

Grief is a Process

Grief is a journey with no specific timeline. Getting "over it" is not a destination and there is no goal line.  

 

David Kessler, who has written several books on grief, says, “‘You ask how long will the person be grieving?' I ask the person asking, 'How long will their loved one be dead?’"

 

Grieving is oftentimes an iterative process that folds back into life in the form of growth and awareness. Grief can open doors to other life paths that may have previously been obscured before the loss or change. There's an adjusting. And, sometimes, it's a matter of becoming something new. 

 

Gwen Flowers in her poem Grief beautifully shares what grief has meant in her life:

 

"Grief," by Gwen Flowers:

 

“I had my own notion of Grief.

I thought it was the sad time

That followed the death of someone you love.

And you had to push through it

To get to the other side.

But I'm learning there is no other side.

There is no pushing through.

But rather,

There is absorption.

Adjustment.

Acceptance.

And grief is not something you complete,

But rather, you endure.

Grief is not a task to finish

And move on,

But an element of yourself-

An alteration of your being.

A new way of seeing.

A new definition of self."

 

Excerpt from John O’Donohue’s Poem “For Grief” from book To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings 2008

 

“Gradually, you will learn acquaintance with the invisible form of your departed; 

And when the work of grief is done,

The wound of loss will heal

And you will have learned

To wean your eyes

From that gap in the air

And be able to enter the hearth

In your soul where your loved one

Has awaited your return

All the time.”

 

Grief Markers

 

Although there is no specific timeline for the grief process, there are markers for when grief appears relative to the loss event:  

 

1st: Anticipatory Grief.  

The grief before the loss.  

 

2nd: Acute Grief.  

Grief that has recently occurred within two weeks to nine months.  

 

3rd: Early Grief. 

Within the first two years. Some longer, some shorter.  

 

4th: Mature Grief.  

Grief is a process that presents itself in various forms throughout our lives. 

 

Pain may be the overwhelming emotion that marks the beginning, but it’s possible for us to move through grieving without pain.

 

 In different places on our timelines, we may have some of both love AND pain. But, eventually, we can come to grieve with mostly love, or even bitter sweetness.  

 

Dennis Klass’s theory of “continuing bonds” challenges previous theories that concentrate on “breaking bonds” with the deceased. Instead, continuing bonds theory says the bereaved do not need to forget and leave their loved ones behind as they go on with their lives; rather, they can integrate their loved ones into their future lives by sustaining a relationship based on memories.  

 

Loss IS a kind of dying, and, therefore, is a form of letting go. It's an end to how our lives were.  

 

I’m often asked, "How do you do this?" – meaning, “How do you cope and deal with working with the dying?”   

 

The answer that comes to me: “My life has been a continual practice of letting go. And it still is.”  

 

The good news is that we can grow, to grieving without pain, and reach a point where instead of grieving with pain, we can grieve with love.

 

A Contemplative Approach to Grief

 

Contemplative care for the dying is interchangeable with grief work. And, as we’ve talked about above, End of Life Doulas will support Clients who are on the cusp of, or who are deep in the midst of, grieving.

 

Next we’ll cover some guidelines that may be a help in learning to gain a vision for how we can help grieving people, and how best to present ourselves.

 

There are some unwritten guidelines of contemplative care that tells us:

• Don't be invasive.

• It's their work.

• Don't try to fix it.

• Just be present with them, just witness it.

 

I love the fact that the same can be said for grief work.

 

First, Let’s Establish Trust with the Client

It’s important that a grieving Client is comfortable speaking openly with you and trusts you to hold space for them. Identify a safe place for conversations to occur, somewhere that will ensure their privacy and confidentiality.

 

Open your contemplative skill toolbox

In reflecting back to what we learned in Module 2 (you may want to take a moment or two to refresh your memory), your contemplative toolbox will be the foundation of building a trusting relationship with your grieving Client. 

 

Embrace your Contemplativeness

How does being contemplative help us? The first layer of understanding is that we live in the present, and we’re fully focused each time we interact with our Clients, their loved ones and friends – and with one another. We don’t rush. 

 

Cultivate a Strong Back, Soft Front

Joan Halifax’s concept of “strong back, soft front” comes in handy when being with those who are dying and those who are grieving. By “strong back,” she means demonstrating equanimity – a state of mental calmness, balance, and composure. It’s through equanimity that we maintain an inner calmness, steadiness, and grace, regardless of the circumstances. By “soft front,” she means compassion.

 

Strong back, soft front helps us cultivate an ability to maintain a calm mind with emotional and mental stability. It enables us to be grounded, rooted, and strong while remaining flexible, adaptable, and open to change.

 

Don’t Know Mind

Approach each situation with compassion and humility. We don’t know people’s grief story. We only know our own.

 

Bearing Witness and Deep Listening

Just because we have a Doula Toolbox does not mean that our job is to fix the situation. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Bearing witness and deep listening are two of our most important skills when being with Clients who are grieving. They call for us to be present with the suffering and joy in the world as it is, without judgment or any attachment to outcome. We bear witness to their pain, grief, and fear, and we listen without interruption.

 

When we see someone struggling, our instinct may be to console or attempt to fix everything. While we want to ensure folks are comfortable and out of pain as best we can, a lot of the “internal work” they’re doing may require struggle. 

 

And it’s important to know that struggling is OK. It’s a natural part of life. We all struggle in one way or another. When someone is experiencing sadness, anger, fear, or grief, we simply let them. The best support we can offer is to say, “I’m sorry that’s happening. Would you like to talk about it?” And then, just listen. 

 

Bearing witness is not being a by-stander, but about having the courage to face the whole situation, with humility, curiosity, and openness, and to let the situation enter us fully. To do that, we must learn to embrace the “don’t know mind” and listen. Deeply listen, without interrupting. This means we resist the urge to jump in with some autobiographical response that relates (or doesn’t) to the speaker’s story. Can you imagine how validated someone feels after sharing without interruption?

 

Parker Palmer's insightful quote expresses this concept in a very simple way: 

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“The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed – to be seen, heard, and companioned exactly as it is. When we make that kind of deep bow to the soul of a suffering person, our respect reinforces the soul’s healing resources, the only resources that can help the sufferer make it through.”

– Parker J. Palmer, Article “The Gift of Presence, The Peril of Advice,” 2016

 

Another perspective that may be useful in helping us to fully embrace the idea of bearing witness and listening is seeing it from another angle; seeing it as acknowledgement. Acknowledgement is an amazing multi-tool, It makes things better even when they can’t be made right. You can’t heal someone’s pain by trying to take it away from them. It’s actually more genuinely supportive to acknowledge your Client’s grief and let them fully embrace and process their pain.

 

I'd like to share what to me is a heartbreaking [reaction] that someone wrote:

 "I lost my husband recently. I didn't even want people to know because it's so hard to deal with the ‘brightsiders.’ My best friend just sits with me and lets me cry...no advice, no cheery suggestions...just an arm around the shoulder, boxes of Kleenex, and an occasional, 'I love you.'"

 

Remember, people want to be heard and seen. And the grieving person, most of the time, wants their loved one who has died to be seen as well. We often are afraid it's a sensitive subject or too personal so we shy away. Ask them to tell you about their loved one. It can work magic for them.

 

Quick Tips:

• Stay in your lane.

• We're not here to fix, we're here to witness.

• Resist the temptation to speak. "You, congregation of one, are here to listen, not to sing."

• Accept them exactly where they are, letting them express their grief how they want.

 

Remember your self-care and healthy boundaries

We want to be aware of ourselves, how we're reacting and being affected, what kind of vibe we're giving off...and we need to be gentle on ourselves, too. We also need to forgive ourselves for being less than perfect. We need to just keep going and be there for someone with our imperfect selves!