VIGIL AND LEGACY PLANNING

Vigil Planning

“There is no greater intimacy than sitting with someone traversing that tenuous boundary between worlds, sitting vigil with a spirit trembling on the border, reaching toward the new and releasing the old.” — Shannon Huffman Polson

What if we could set the stage for how we die? Like a director of a play, what if we could set the stage, light the lights, choose the soundtrack, and choose the cast of characters?

Death Doula Alua Arthur says in her TED Talk: “I wanna die at sunset. I wanna watch the sky change and turn orange and pink and purple as day dies into night. I want to hear the wind fluttering through the leaves. And smell very faintly, nag champa amber incense, but very faintly because scent can be tough on a dying body.

I wanna die with socks on my feet because I get cold, and if I die with a bra on, I'm coming to haunt everybody. I will terrorize you, and that is a threat. Okay? Hmm. I wanna die in my own bed, in my own home with my loved ones nearby who are talking amongst themselves and comforting each other for this very big thing that's about to happen in their lives.

I wanna die with all of my affairs in order, so my loved ones have nothing to worry about but their grief after I die. I wanna die empty, devoid of all of the skill, gift, talent, and light that I carry in this body. And satiated, full of the richness of this one unique human ride. And when my loved ones notice that I have released my last breath, I want them to clap. I want them to clap because I died well, but I died well, only because I lived well.”

What is a Vigil?

A vigil, which is also called sitting or holding vigil, involves being present with the person who is passing, usually within 24 to 48 hours of their death.

This is oftentimes an integral part of being an ABODE Yogi, Navigator, Doula or Volunteer. We honor our Guest’s last moments on earth by contemplatively sitting with them and their loved ones until the Guest chooses to depart. We might also offer comfort by holding their hand, reading to them from their favorite book or humming a sweet, peaceful song. Usually, at this point, the dying person doesn’t communicate with spoken words, but we still want to ensure that we’re listening to any vocalizations and observing their body language.

Also, something very important that you’ll want to do is determine if there are any religious, cultural or spiritual beliefs of your Client that may impact or be in conflict with sitting vigil. Your Client and their family may already have activities that are integrated into their ways of honoring the time nearing end of life.

ABODE Yogi-Doulas can also offer sitting vigil as a service they provide, as well as planning a vigil.

Vigil Planning

By choosing this path, you are in a unique situation to provide vigil services for the Clients you serve. Through intimate questions and deep listening, the dying person can make their wishes known not only about their medical directives, but also for how the stage is set for their final act.

These conversations may not come easily when you first meet with a Client. It’s important to first gain trust, which may take several visits.

But, before you meet with Clients, let’s start with you. Consider each of the following questions and jot down your responses.

What do you want to be surrounded by when you die?
Where are you?
How is the light?
What are you wearing?
Who do you want to be there with you?
Who don’t you want to be there with you?
What music or sound do you want to be played?
Any aromas?
Do you want to be touched? Massaged?

Now, think of each of these questions as they relate to the stages of dying.

1-3 Months Out?
1-3 Weeks?
1-3 Days?
Your final hours?
Your last breath?

What about after you pass?

Are there any rituals or traditions that you would like carried out for you?
Do you want your body cleansed? Anointed with oil?
Do you want to wear certain clothing?
Do you want a public vigil?

As you were contemplating each of these choices, how did you feel?

Legacy Building

Legacy Overview

“Everybody is a story…..Hidden in all stories is the One story. The more we listen, the clearer the Story becomes. Our true identity, who we are, why we are here, what sustains us, is in this story.”

– Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D., Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories That Heal

What is a Legacy?

What do you think of when you hear the word, “Legacy?”

The original meaning of the word “legacy” was “a gift of money or other kinds of personal property or assets granted through a legal will.” But, today the word is used more broadly.

A legacy is anything handed down from the past or any impact we’ve made on people and the world that continues to exist after we die.

We consider legacy to be a very expansive concept because it can include both tangible things, like projects, money, and gardens, and it can also include your relationships, activism, and the intangible impacts you’ve made on others.

At the end of the day, a Legacy is all about our Story.

Legacy Building

Ultimately, we all leave behind a part of ourselves. Legacy Building, with the Doula’s guidance, gives our Clients an opportunity, to:

Find meaning in their lives.
Craft and share their personal message.
Direct and influence what they are remembered for.
Strengthen the relationship bonds that they’ve formed.
Tell their unique story and communicate little-known facts and deeper meanings.
Document and share life events, accomplishments, wisdom, hopes, and dreams.

Two Main Approaches

The two approaches to Legacy Building that we’ll review in our training are:

Balanced Life Review - Review and documentation of the Client’s life events

Legacy Activities - Creating projects that memorialize the Client’s life, such as photo albums, scrapbooks, or making music playlists.

Benefits of the Legacy Process

Participating in Legacy Activities and Life Reviews have the potential of yielding benefits to the Client and their loved ones. They might:

Ease sadness and depression,
Enhance well-being,
Calm anxious feelings,
Help with anticipatory grief, and
Pave the way for a more peaceful transition.

Engaging the Client’s Loved Ones

If the Client is willing, family and loved ones can assist in composing life reviews and developing Legacy Activities. This is especially helpful if the Client’s energy begins to wane, or if they pass before the Legacy efforts are completed.

Your Role in Legacy Building:

As we mentioned above, as Yogi-Doulas we want to always understand that our Client is the owner and director of their Legacy Building process, including content, format, tone, and with whom it will be shared. As their Doula, you will want to be aware of your Client’s stamina, energy, and interest prior to recommending or moving forward with Legacy efforts. And, only enter a room to your Client’s memories after that they have opened the door and invited you in.

Think of yourself as a Master Weaver who’s weaving a tapestry containing the tendrils (and perhaps vestiges) of your Client’s life, or a composer inventing a melodic symphony of memories.

Your Super Power is that you are a Listener Extraordinaire!
- Truly listening by bearing witness may yield a wealth of helpful information for building your Client’s legacy.
- You are attuned to your Client and are always listening for the common threads and connections between the stories as they are shared with you.
- You listen to HOW a person tells their story; what is their body language, demeanor, and tone of voice.

As a facilitator who serves as a translator and conduit of your Client’s memories, allow your innate sensitivity to be your guide, bringing your calm, compassionate, contemplative, accepting, and empathetic presence to the process.

As Yogi-Doulas, it’s very important that we make ourselves aware of any religious, cultural or spiritual rituals that your Client observes that will impact their end of life journey.

You bring to the table knowledge of the tools and templates for building legacies that you’ve learned in training.

“Listening work takes time, concentration, imagination, a sense of humor, and an attitude that places the patient as the hero of his or her own life story.”

– Dr. Paul C. Mohl

What Are Legacy Activities?

Legacy Activities are creative ways for Clients to share themselves and their memories with loved ones. Or ways to simply explore their past in a different, and often fun, fashion. Depending on the activity you and your Client use, it could be a tactile or virtual experience. Or both! Your Client has loads of available choices that you, as their Doula, can help narrow down in an easy and clear way.

How Do I Get Started?

Firstly, determine if there are any religious, cultural or spiritual beliefs of your Client that may impact or be in conflict with the process of working on legacy activities. Your Client and their family may already have activities that are integrated into their ways of honoring the time nearing end of life, the death and after the death.

A life review is a great way to kick off Legacy Activities. You and your Client could opt for an abbreviated life review that uses just a few simple questions.

The Doula’s first objective is to find out what their Client’s needs and desires are:

What is their “Why?”
What is their story, and who do they want to share it with?
Do they have unresolved issues they would like to address?
Would they like to leave something tangible (see Ideas for Legacy Activities below) to be remembered by?
How would they like to be remembered? As someone who was loving and kind to those around them? As a person who had significant achievements in life, both personal and/or professional? For their magnificent cakes and cookies, or BBQ?

Your second objective is to sort out which approach (or approaches) best resonate with your Client’s “Why.” Gather a list of ideas that are compatible with your Client’s criteria. Again, keep it simple and intuitive to avoid overwhelming them with choices. If it makes sense for the situation and the Client is agreeable, you can engage the family in this discussion.

Ideas for Legacy Activities

Below are a few ideas to consider. There are hundreds (if not thousands!) of suggestions out there on the Internets, so feel free to explore, always remembering to keep the approach simple and ensuring you are mirroring your Client’s “Why.”

Digital photo albums of meaningful images from the past
Album of physical photos
A board of commemorative pins (for example, military)
A Legacy Love Letter (see our training document Resource Five-Minute Legacy Love Letter) is a letter to an individual or specific group of people that’s written as if it’s the last communication that someone is going to have from you. These letters are helpful in expressing love and even healing by reconciling relationships.
A collection of videos from past family events or gatherings
Recipe collections
Scrapbooks of memorabilia
Collection of handwritten notes or letters to be given to loved ones after the Client’s death.
Audio, video or handwritten journals containing the Client’s stories
Compilation of Client’s favorite bedtime stories that have been told over generations
Favorite poems written or cherished
Playlist of favorite music
Memory quilts
A collection of anything (notes, recipes, etc.) that is in Client’s handwriting
Favorite drawings, paintings or photographs or pieces of art created by Client
Favorite memories of your Client as retold by loved ones at a celebration of life, funeral or memorial service

Here are several websites that offer suggestions and/or online functionality for preserving memories.

Ever Loved - Legacy Project Ideas:

https://everloved.com/articles/end-life-care/10-legacy-project-ideas/

Legacy Project - Legacy Activities:

https://www.legacyproject.org/resources/activities.html

Hospice Waterloo - Legacy Activities:

https://www.hospicewaterloo.ca/legacy-activities/

Advice for My Daughter - A Letter to My Daughter as an Old Woman:

https://www.adviceformydaughter.com/a-letter-to-my-daughter-as-an-old-woman/

Pinterest - Legacy Project Ideas:

https://www.pinterest.com/search/pins/?q=legacy%20projects&rs=typed

All the Best - How to Design a Legacy Project:

https://allthebest.co/blog/legacy-project-document-a-loved-ones-life

Storycorps

https://storycorps.org/

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